Collecting dust

I have two neat Strathmore toned gray sketchbooks. They're collecting dust because...
Just because...?
Because I'm a wimp and I'm terrified of a brand new sketchbook that needs to be approached differently from what I'm used to do with my common white paper.
One day I felt especially daring and I decided to violate mr. Gray.

So a few weeks ago I found a nice reference photo in my folder (a very stereotypically handsome guy wearing make up - I was actually more interested in the lighting and the sharp cast shadows). My previous attempts at using charcoal were miserable, but here I realized what I was doing wrong.
I was holding and using the charcoal as if it were a pencil! Nice and tidy and precise.
Then I remembered something Shaddy Safadi said during one of his digital painting tutorial videos:

"Be bold!". Be bold with your strokes.
I dislike quoting people, and while the painting process was definitely interesting, I didn't agree with a bunch of things Shaddy said. But his explanation of what being bold means resonated with me.The moment I tried to hold the charcoal stick differently, the moment I said to myself "well who cares if this gets really rough and messy!" and meant it, a lot has changed.

I had fun!
I actually relaxed and enjoyed this new medium, how it can be rough and pasty, but also so soft. It allows me to shade in a way that feels so much more comfortable and natural and fast than pencil shading. I don't care if the outcome is any good. It is a big improvement since last time and I was so happy while I did it. 

So, what have we learned?
- BE. BOLD.
- I had fun dammit, this is a huge step forward!
- This took very little time. Not even one hour. No excuses: I can actually make one portrait like this every weekend almost without sacrificing time. One hour is nothing to an organized person. Which I'm trying to become.
- I AM capable of shutting my brain off. I can be bold and have fun without paranoias. It usually happens at random times, but it's a matter of time before I learn to control and re-create this state of mind.
- I can't flip the page (or use the skecthbook for that matter) until I buy a fixative because charcoal is going to smudge and get every fucking where on the back of the next page :D
- Hence the bad photo. I can't put this thing into a scanner.

Rediscovering

One step at a time!
I'll reconquer what I've lost. I'll tear away the inhibitions and embrace what I really love to draw.
But wishing won't make it happen, so I'm going to start a new sketchbook, which will be entirely devoted to free sketching. No intentional focus on improvement, no "pretty" refined stuff meant to be shown around without shame.

My secret letter to the embarrassing lover I never wanted my parents to meet; I'll have to pick up correspondence again if I ever hope to become comfortable with it.

I know I'm still able to slip into that who-cares state of mind.
Here's some stuff I did before summer. Quick thumbnails for an artbook cover.
I needed a predator to confront the human, or something symbolic, as helpless prey. I wanted it big, reptilian, fearsome, but I looked for "something else" at first because it would probably end up looking like a dragon. And dragons are mainstream, right? Sinful!
Still. I went ahead.

I enjoyed doing these. Oh so much. It was liberating. Quick and careless. It was the kind of subject I wanted on my cover.
That's what I'm after!

Ten minutes exploration of thumb n.2 for a more snowy feel. Pretty bad, but I didn't think of it at the time. Just exploring and having fun with cyan, magenta, big fearsome monster and ice. My favorite.

Further exploration of thumbnail 4. I was thinking of something graphic, with a plain white backgorund, but ended up painting the background as I realized the sky would have helped a ton in creating a definite mood.